点评一篇GRE 作文习作

10-1：原文如下

Topic:
People have been so encouraged by society to focus on apparent differences that they fail to see meaningful similarities among ideas, individuals, and groups.

Differences and personality seem to have been playing a crucial role in our society in many aspects, whether ideas, individuals, or groups, for the incentive to stand out in the increasingly larger amount of output by society of both new high-tech products and elites of persons and groups. And therein exists another belief that by taking differing from others too far causes people's failure to see the meaningful similarities among related things. As far as I am concerned, however, that pursuing differences or personality and seeking similarities between counterparts are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and that a coalition of them both can be possibly and necessarily realized if handled properly, which will benefit our society a lot with the appropriate proportion of them each to blance each other out.

Admittedly, apparent differences is now playing an important part in distinguising someting or someone out, especially in the tense competition field concerning business. A free market ecomony is where this rule takes effect and works most well. Take American automobile industry for an example. Equipped with modern technology, many other countries are now able to manufact automobiles almost as the same to American's time-honored superior cars, in almost every way: the fashion style, the comfortable seats, energy-effective process, high-quality materials, and the like. In this situation, American manufactures established and estinguished their automobiles by creating an attractive emotion image of their cars: masculine, owning money and time to drive cars, enjoy life and so on. One of the most clever use of emotion to differ itself is seen in the old Volvo slogan, "Volvo, the car for people who think." The suggested reason for buying the car is obvious: it is the intelligent choice, and this is where the unique idea appeals to people----they want to be included in the group of intelligent, thoughful people. So we can conclude that when you've got something special, you stand out and go ahead of your competitors.

However, overemphasizing apparent differences may mask the meaningful similarities between things, which would do harm to the meaningful and constructive communication not only between individuals but also even between different cultures. First of all, too much focus on apparent differences may narrow ones eyesight and blind him from the basic and foundamental similarity in common with others, which is the very element that understanding, helpful discussion, and potential cooperation necessaries to develop. In addition, without the acknowledge of the common share between different cultures in human nature, such as desire, love, hate, jealousy, etc., and in its function to cultivate it

s peopel and to serve the power of its nation, one may find it really hard to understand another culture's customs and values deviating from his own, and that is where his bias and prejudice toward that culture starts and forms. And this illustrates how culture gap develops, in a much simpler process, of course. From the two reasons above, we can see the importance of encouraging people to study and seeking the meaningful similarities to cultural communications as well as individuals'.

In conclusion, similarities and differences are both equally important and indispensable to our society. Without differences and varieties, we risk of making a dull world, without diversity and variety. Without similarities and conformity, we risk ourselves of losing our willingness and ability to communicate efficiently between both individuals and different cultures. We should therefore get out to make apparent differences and personality on the foundamental basis of sharing and acknowledging the meaningful similarity between we human beings.

10-2：总体评价

　　全文结构清晰，第一段为开头，陈述作者的论点（在differences和similarities 之间走中庸之道）；第二段论述differences的重要性；第三段论述similarities的重要性；最后一段为结论,主要从反面来论述differences和similarities各自的不可或缺性。作者有一定的词汇量，有构建较为复杂句式的能力，内容尚显充分，亦能进行例证。第一段思绪混乱，表述不清，极为费解，出现严重句法错误。从第二段起思路和文笔逐渐流畅清晰起来，表达的意思也渐趋明朗．用GRE Issue类作文的评分标准来衡量，得分应在3.5分左右。

10-3: 具体分析

　　第一段极为晦涩费解，层次紊乱，读完五遍之后我才基本整理出一个头绪，读了十遍并详加揣摩之后才弄清楚应怎样重新加以组织方显条理清晰。这或许是因为原作者急于展示自己的才能却又驾御失控所致。

　　第一句：Differences and personality seem to have been playing a crucial role in our society in many aspects, whether ideas, individuals, or groups, for the incentive to stand out in the increasingly larger amount of output by society of both new high-tech products and elites of persons and groups.

　　本以为这句是作者自己的论点，大致是说由于现代社会高新技术产品和精英人物层出不穷，因此，为了不被湮没在茫茫的人与产品的海洋中而陷入默默无闻，就十分有必要维持与他人或他物的差异并张扬个性。但读到第三句As far as I am concerned, however%26hellip;读者才能推断出开头第一句并非作者自己的论点,而是他人的论点。此外，由第二句中的another belief可推知，第一句和第二句所表达的分别是他人的两大观点。故为了条理清晰，作者应在第一句的开头加上Some people believe (hold, maintain) that%26hellip;的字样。

　　在语言上，personality是一种误用，它的意思是一个人的性格，人格, 而不是与众不同的个性，故应改成individuality。在in many aspects后面出现了补充说明性质的whether ideas, individuals, or groups，但其中应维持介词结构的表达方式，即在ideas之前至少要有介词in，最好individuals和groups之前都有，以显严谨。但即使这样，将idea，individuals和groups说成社会的诸个侧面也是极为牵强的，改成human thoughts, individual behavior and group activities较为贴切。在句子后半部分，将for用作介词，后接 the incentive to%26hellip;是比较奇怪的，最好将for用作连词，后接一个句子，改成for the incentive to%26hellip;is great/high，但这仍是一个不太常见的句式。另外，by society最好改成in our society, elites of persons and groups最好改成elite people and groups

。全句最好改为：Some people maintain that differences and individuality play a crucial role in our society in many aspects, whether in human thoughts, individual behavior, or group activities, for, amidst the increasing output in our society of both new high-tech products and elite people and groups, it is extremely necessary to stand out in order not to be obliterated in the sea of overwhelming similarities.

　　第二句And therein exists another belief that by taking differing from others too far causes people's failure to see the meaningful similarities among related things. 由于用了therein一词，本句在逻辑上存在严重矛盾。从内容上看，本句所陈述的意思是，如果过分地采取与众不同的做法则会阻碍人们认清相关事物之间的共同点。这一论点是与第一句所表述的论点截然相反的另一种观点（another belief），但 therein(在那个里面)却规定了这第二个论点是包含在第一个论点之中的。这便产生了两个逻辑矛盾。第一：全然相反的第二个论点怎么能被包含在与之矛盾的第一个论点之中呢？第二：another暗示第一个句子中应包含二个bel